When my kids were young, just getting through the list of have-to’s, like getting groceries in the house, getting dressed and paying bills was an accomplishment. Our whole orderly life seemed to melt into a deep pool of urgent, yet trivial attention grabbers. Looking back, I wish that I had stopped to talk with my husband about where we were going. Couples, who had a map of where they were going together before they had kids, seemed to have an edge on us “spontaneous” types -- even if their map proved totally wrong, as was usually the case. I was often aware that our choices were limited because we hadn’t planned. We could daydream, but didn’t actually plan and execute. We longed for the spontaneity we had before kids, but we felt trapped in our daily duties.

When the kids were a bit older and I had time to reflect, I began to realize that although I had been clutching a date book and making lists for as long as I could remember, I hadn’t really had much of a vision of where I was going. Neil and I had no vision together. We agreed about many things, most things. We both wanted children, but hadn’t thought much about what we wanted to teach them or share with them.

Confronted with the inevitable myriad of choices for raising a family, we wanted to do it all. We found ourselves saying yes to every invitation for our kids. Then we got so booked that I began feeling like we never talked with each other. We just chauffeured the kids in different directions. It was too much. Our mistake was that we both assumed that the other wanted to do it all without discussing it. Our assumptions and missed time together left us both feeling frustrated and out of touch. When we looked back at our choices, we wondered where our weekends and our lives had gone.

As I reflected and read more about this, I began to see that many, more “together” people viewed life planning differently than we did. They operated from several levels of family organization that worked together. They had mission statements, or general shared beliefs; they had rituals, for warmth, fun and identity and they had roles, routines and rules to make life more comfortable and organized. All were useful depending on the scope of the issues they were facing. These people all had children and yet they managed to plan as well. This gave me hope that we could rediscover a semi-organized life. All we needed was a vision and some workable plans. I can’t include the whole chapter here but thought you might like to see some of the tables:

STEPS FOR GOAL SETTING

Set Aside Times and a Place. Plan three blocks of time without the kids or other interruptions. An evening, a morning and an afternoon spread over one weekend is great. Make sure your have some small breaks in the process. Here’s how to proceed:

Create Two Lists Each: Appreciation List: Make a list of what you like about your partner, your marriage, and your life. Make it as long as possible. Expect your lists to be different lengths. Problems /Opportunity List: Write down your needs wants and wishes. Then list them in order of importance. Try to state positively what you want to have or what you envision, not what is a problem or what is wrong. Use “I” messages: “I would like more meals at home.” Not, “We never eat at home any more.” Instead of saying, ”I hate the way our kids behave,” try, “I’d like our kids to speak more respectfully to us.” This makes for a more productive discussion. Attack problems, not each other.

These are issues that you want to problem solve with your partner. Add dreams, fun activities and projects like: buy a house, trip to Africa, vacation in Spain, new career. good manners for the kids, or less clutter. (Dream Big.)

Try to write your two lists before your first meeting or at least think about them. If you think about it while driving or in a spare (where?) minute you can jot down key words.

The First Evening:
Start with positives. Read your appreciation lists to each other first, and then enjoy dinner and the evening together. While this sharing doesn’t take long, the good will helps you through the next steps.

The Next Morning:
Share and combine P/O lists. Have a pleasant breakfast. Find a comfortable and private place where you will have no interruptions. Take turns reading your dreams, needs and wants to each other without interrupting. Combine your lists. This should take only 10-20 minutes if you listen well, write down each person’s list and do not interrupt.

Use your Best Communication Skills. Stay positive or at least neutral. Some couples think the P/O stands for something besides problems and opportunities especially if they are lost in rage. When you are making your list, imagine reading your list to a respected friend. Would they hear your wants and needs or a lot of anger? If you are too angry to talk about your wants or needs, consider counseling or working with a friend to reframe them more positively. If your partner’s ideas seem impossible, too expensive or ridiculous, just listen. Think of these as wishes not demands. Reflect back what your partner is asking without judging or criticizing, even with your tone of voice. It is unlikely that you will each get everything you wish for but you may feel closer knowing each other’s dreams. Ask questions only to understand and gain clarification.

Prioritize the master list: Agree on what you want to tackle first. If there are easy next steps for some items, agree who will carry it forward. Do only one goal or topic at a time.

Brainstorm solutions for tough issues. Start with the easiest issues and move to the more difficult. Try to think of five possible solutions together. Each person needs to contribute at least two of the five solutions. Be sure you give your partner’s wishes the same attention you give your own. Come up with crazy ideas. Have fun with this. Focus on win/win solutions. Write down all ideas. If solutions come easily, move on to other topics. Table the tough issues.

Take a Fun Break. Think about what you have heard. This break serves as a clear marker between listening and resolving conflict. Go out for lunch or for the evening. Exercise and have dinner and a date.

Follow-Up: That Afternoon or the Next Morning
Evaluate the solutions. Happy couples have very different styles at this stage. Try to look for solutions that are acceptable to both of you. Some couples decide to seek more information and reconvene at an appropriate time. One couple, happily married 30 plus years, who wanted to please each other had ”secret ballots.” After they had discussed every option, they would then write down what they really wanted on a piece of paper, slip the answers in a paper bag, shake it up and then look at the answers. (Neither was a logic or a math teacher but it worked for them.) Some times couples just agree that they have very independent goals at this point. Others table the discussion. They need time to think so they simply agree to return, after they each have had time to meditate.

Set mutually agreed upon next steps. Break the solutions down into real steps. Talk about which are the most important goals and which are the nice dreams for, maybe, later. Some goals will be primarily for one of you with the other playing a supporting role.

Discuss how you can work together and support each other. What will happen first and in what order? How will you pay for it? How will you adjust your schedule to make it happen? Notice those items that are easy because you are already working toward them and congratulate yourselves.

Plan for follow-up. Set a specific time to check in and say, “Well, what do you think? How did we do with our goals?” Plan follow-up for each project. A couple may decide to check in once a week on the relationship, if it is in trouble or every two weeks on new habits for a child. Some put the goal list in the family meeting book and glance at it before family meetings.

Celebrate your hard work. Congratulate each other on doing the process and agreeing on any tiny step together. Just taking one step together is an important milestone. Drink a toast. Frame your goals list. Put them in a memory book. Make love.

Would you like some additional helpful information? Visit: Couple Vision Statement