As I work with young couples, I get a sense that the normal rage and tendency to withdraw they feel fits nicely into the big picture of how long-term, happy marriages work. Sometimes I draw them a picture like the one below to give them a sense of the continuity of a marriage before having children, during the kid crisis, while raising their family and after kids are grown and gone. I adapted it from the excellent work of Bader and Pierson and their book In Quest of a Mythical Mate. They feel all couples go through these stages, with or without children, but having children tends to push couples out of blissful stage one and into and through the difficult stages two and three.

Stage 1, the Bliss Stage is at the bottom of the drawing. Couples feel made for each other. No matter how different your backgrounds are, you bask in the things that you both like. You seem destined to be together because you like the same music and movies, you may share the same religious beliefs, you like the same car or truck and, more importantly, you enjoy a powerful sexual attraction. I always ask couples what first attracted them to each other. Remember and savor those early romantic times to get you through the more difficult times ahead. In Stage 1, the Bliss Stage, couples count all the ways they are perfectly matched and simply ignore the ways that they don’t quite see eye to eye. Sometimes the biggest attraction was that the other person seemed to genuinely like you just the way you were. This feeling of oneness and belonging together is the underlying and important foundation that supports the marriage through tough times.

John Gottman, of the Seattle Love Lab, calls this connection a couple’s fondness and admiration system. My clients love the exercises in his book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, for helping them reconnect to the positive aspects of their marriage no matter what stage they are in or what crises have befallen them.
Most people remember this Bliss Stage fondly. If they don’t have these warm memories or they tell me they married their spouse to leave a bad home or because all their friends were getting married, I find their problems are less likely to be resolved.

Some couples like this stage so much they just want to stay stuck here in a blissful romance. This sounds like heaven but doesn’t work so well for the kids because they may be neglected. Also in this type of romance, one partner frequently does all the compromising so that the relationship go smoothly but loses its spark. Eventually it may collapse anyway as we discussed in the rage chapter, because of all that is left unsaid. The nightmare version of this stage is the couple that fights endlessly but cannot separate. They make love and war constantly. Their children are usually quite disturbed because open warfare is so detrimental to kids.

But most couples advance after a few years to a new stage, which though frustrating, is healthy and necessary to survive kids and develop a stronger, more rewarding relationship. Although couples with and without children move on to this stage, unfortunately the beginning of this difficult second stage often coincides with the crisis of the arrival of the first child.

In Stage 2, the Differences Stage we draw back and say: “Who is this person I married?” Having children often triggers this stage and the question becomes: “Who is this person and why did I chose them to be the parent of my child?” Each partner begins to notice annoying differences. Lots of them. They also begin to realize that some differences are not likely to be resolved without compromise and that compromise means that they will be giving up something, possibly for the rest of this life on earth. Not a comfortable feeling.

People react to this in a number of ways depending on their personal style. Usually they feel heartbroken and disappointed that the marriage isn’t turning out the way they fantasized it would. I call this the valley of the shadow of death for the marriage. In this period, each person fantasizes the end of the marriage. Some fantasize that their partner gets hit by a truck, a fairly normal image that still shocks them. Some daydream about divorce or simply being with other people. Each decides to stay or not. Some people don’t ever fantasize about the end of the marriage but merely grieve the marriage that might have been.

Children often force us prematurely into this stage because we come face to face with what we want for ourselves and our children and whether we are living the way we want our kids to emulate. Children expose our values to us. Many things we accepted as okay for ourselves, aren’t okay for our kids.

This is the stage when people decide to get a divorce, even if they linger here 10 or more years getting the courage to take the step. Instead, with insight, openness and perseverance, you can move out of this stage to something better. I have seen many couples stuck for 20 years or, sadly, until the end of their lives because they wouldn’t confront this stage nor would they move on. This stage has no normal time limit but seems to last until couples figure it out or divorce.

Most couples enter this stage with a face-off that goes something like: “If only you would change this marriage would be just fine!” The changes requested vary from the ridiculous to the sublime. But they tend to be preceded by “If you would just learn to... put the toilet seat down, ask me for a date, help around the house, get your parents not to smoke around the kids, listen to me when I need to talk or ask me about my day.” Issues surrounding helping with the kids and the house most frequently trigger this stage with new parents. “They are your kids too!” Sometimes the issues are more difficult and personal like just stop smoking for our kid’s sake or just lose the weight you gained in pregnancy. Some people are upset about these issues but never mention them and grow distant.

If you married this person because he or she liked you, these requests are experienced as a deep, stinging rejection. When people feel criticized, most become less motivated to change rather than more motivated. Some feel afraid that they can’t change and give up without trying. Because they don’t want to disappoint or be rejected further by their spouse, they counterattack with their own list. Often the delivery isn’t too artful. Partners tend to be too harsh when they do criticize or suggest change, or they simply don’t ask. Others ask so tentatively that their partner easily ignores their request. Some try to change but end up feeling that no amount of changes will be enough to please their partner.

This is the stage during which an affair is most likely. Faced with the hard work of compromise and of reconciling differences, many people opt out. A romance with a new, understanding person is just more appealing than dealing with the same issues with someone who has smelled your breath at 4 am and knows you sneak off to take naps when you should be helping with the kids. Couples are at greater risk for affairs when one partner travels a lot or the family has moved a long distance from a familiar village of family and friends. Affairs are particularly appealing because they are usually conducted in a private adult’s-only environment where talking in whole sentences, listening attentively, and dressing attractively are encouraged.

If step-kids are involved this stage is even more intense. Both parents may harbor a strong romantic fantasy that this time they will get the marriage right. Unfortunately, the opportunities to disagree multiply with each additional person in the mix and the differences in their backgrounds. The step-wife crisis that ensues has been amply documented in a great book called Step-Wives: Ten Steps to Help Ex-Wives and Stepmothers End the Struggle and Put the Kids First by Lynne Oxhorn-Ringwood, Louise Oxhorn, Marjorie Vego-Krausz, (two step-wives and a therapist.)

Most people seek counseling at this stage to try to get the therapist to fix the other person. The therapist must gently and firmly shift the focus from fixing your partner to what you can do to improve your life and your relationship yourself. A good therapist moves you to the “Who am I?” identity of Stage 3 if possible. She teaches you to focus on yourself, on your wants, needs and desires, on how to ask for the support you need and on how to take action in ways that are most likely to get results.

Stage 3, the Identity Stage is the “Who am I?” stage. In Stage 3, if you decide not to have an affair, or you have ended an affair and decide to make your marriage work, then you step back and ask yourself what is really important to you. This is when you look at the conflicts and disagreements between the two of you. This stage is critical for yourself, your relationship and the development of your family. Although the self-examination is difficult and to some it seems to be a lifelong pursuit, most members of a couple move through it rather rapidly in a year or two, maybe four at the most if they can get past Stage 2, the Differences Stage. Some people get lost in this stage if they focus only on their own self-development and can not address how the independent self fits in a relationship or a family. However people with enough emotional maturity to consider these questions of personal identity move on from the Identity Stage and begin to figure out how each of their differences fit in to a good relationship.

In this stage, you develop an awareness of how each person in the family has separate and very different needs, how they get their needs met and how the family shelters and supports individuals. If you are successful at understanding that you each have different needs and each of you need support, you begin to choose your battles carefully and your accommodations thoughtfully. Compromises are seen as a gift to the partner rather than as a request to change your core personality.

You ask yourself, “Can I begin to change myself and my attitudes if it means peace in the house?” You consider what kinds of activities get you into a calm, patient, or self-reflective mode. You ask yourself, “Is there something personal like gym time or writing time or going back to school that I put on hold for the kids and the relationship? What helps me to be a sane and safe (non-hostile) companion?” You may need counseling by yourself to sort things out. You may learn what you are doing, thinking or feeling that gets in the way of compromise.

However, if your marriage has serious problems, you may address the issue of whether you and the kids are better off in the marriage or out of the marriage. Sometimes the situation is critical and very difficult and you must move on to divorce because the differences are too great. You may have to ask yourself if you and your kids can live with an alcoholic or a rage-aholic. Certainly, if you live with someone violent, you probably need to separate and not live together while you sort out your life. Fortunately battered women’s shelters exist across the United States to make this possible.

Civility is greatly underrated in romantic movies, but critical to happy marriages. If your marriage is relatively sound, you begin to address how two people with very separate identities can live comfortably in the same relationship. This moves you to the next stage. If they have not been uncivil, one partner may make a big gesture of independence like a separate vacation or start an independent creative project that marks the independent identity stage before moving on to Stage 4.

Stage 4, Friends Stage is when we decide to be friends. Many couples tell me that they just decide to stop fighting and to be civil. They may still feel a bit distant and mistrustful, if they have been very uncivil in Stage 2, the Differences Stage or Stage 3 the Identity Stage, but they decide to try. One woman announced that her husband had decided to like her. He had always been madly in love with her but he decided to treat her as well as he treated his friends. He wanted to get along. Another woman announced to her husband that she would love him no matter how much “he screwed up.”

Another long-married woman who had been discussing separations with a friend for months said, “I can’t expect Gino to be my everything. He scores well on the important things,” (meaning he works hard, doesn’t hit her, or use drugs.) She never brought up leaving again. But she made it clear that for other needs she had friends. As declarations of affection, these seem underwhelming, yet, they signal the beginning of a new stage. Each of these early declarations, though quite guarded, marked a movement in the marriage toward the last stage of respect and mutual affection
Each partner began to use the information they gained about themselves in the period of self-examination to compromise in ways that didn’t ignore their needs and yet honored the needs of their partner and the children. They began to ask for compromises in ways that promote cooperation rather than competition. One partner may return to school or start a creative project with the full support of the other. They may more comfortably accommodate their partner’s need for friends that are not couple friends.

Many people worry when they hit this stage that they lose their passion and spontaneity. At first, they feel more respect than passion for their partners. They miss Stage 1, the Bliss Stage. The task in this stage is to move beyond mere civility to a deep appreciation and understanding of their partner. As couples work through their conflicts their connection grows and leads them to a new stage.

This last stage, the Bonded Stage has a sense of oneness and brings a new sense that each partner really understands the other. They feel a deeply gratifying sense of supporting each other. This sense of connection feels more real, valuable and important than anything in their lives. Romance gradually pales in comparison.

Stage 5, the Bonded Stage is a stage of Mutual Respect and Affection for someone very different from ourselves, a true couple stage. And I believe it is the best. I encourage couples to struggle through the earlier stages because the end is worth it. In this stage the partners both experience a deeper kind of love. Lucky couples reach this stage by the time their kids are five, but most reach it much later, hopefully by their kids’ teen years. Unfortunately, many couples don’t make it. I rarely see couples in therapy at this stage because they have developed a mutual understanding of who they each are, who they are as a couple and as a family, and what they share in common. They have created a space for each of them and each of the children to have private time and develop personal interests and pursuits. Thus, they can joyously share family time, yet the family protects, accepts and cheerfully encourages each family member’s individual interests and pursuits.

The couple relationship shows striking flexibility. Partners can be silly and act like kids together, be adults and plan together and co-parent together. They can be passionate lovers. They share the excitement of each other’s accomplishments. Each of them can also support and encourage the other partner at critical times just as a healthy parent does when a child takes a risk, feels vulnerable or gets discouraged. Both partners learn to shift these various roles, in response to each individual needs.
When I meet families like this it feels as if they are sailing in a large and solid ship that has a direction and sails on calm waters. Their ship is a home base and they can each leave it to have fun but they will always return to their base and safe harbor.
If you look at the drawing at the bottom and top of the figure, in Stage 5 what is shared and what is separate are clear. There is a clear sense of what is his, hers and ours. In Stage 1, couples see only what they each have in common and don’t appreciate the individual’s uniqueness. Much is shared, but the individual is lost, indistinguishable. Likewise, the couple’s values in Stage 1, the Bliss Stage are often vague and general, while in the Bonded Stage, they are well articulated.
The love you feel in the later stage acknowledges that you can see that the other person has different needs, desires and interests from your own and that you love the other person and enjoy watching and helping them grow into who they are best suited to be. Think of a parent who encourages his child to be a doctor just like he was, versus the parent who is curious and supports the child’s interest in becoming what he wants to be.

In a good marriage both partners want to support each other in becoming the person they are meant to be. In a Stage 2, Differences stage marriage, a partner compares the spouse to their own standards for a perfect marriage and thinks, “How do you fit into my dream?” Unlike a Stage 2 marriage in which a partner focuses on how the partner falls short of a personal fantasy of marriage, in Stage 5 each partner can see the other’s good intention to support them rather than seeing how they fail to meet a certain preset standard. In Stage 5, the Bonded Stage or Mutual Respect and Affection Stage, you work together to develop a vision of what a good relationship means to both of you. Then, you look at how a good relationship serves both of you individually and your child and figure out how to protect and enhance that relationship.
How does understanding these stages help your marriage? For one, knowing that you are going through predictable pain is reassuring, especially if the pain has a payoff. It’s comforting to know that other people have been through this and survived and thrived. Second, figuring out what stage you are in now gives you perspective. People rarely have trouble knowing what stage they are in most of the time. Your friends or a good counselor can help if you aren’t sure what stage fits. Finally, knowing the stages and how you work though them can help make the process easier.

If you think you are in Stage 5 and your partner thinks you are in Stage 2, you are probably more stuck in Stage 2 yourself than you realize. In Stage 2, you each spend all your time figuring out what is wrong with your partner.

While the stages are mostly sequential, people can move around a bit and sometimes go back and visit Stage 1 to remind them why they want the relationship. Some people slip back into Stage 2, Differences stage when under stress or when they aren’t feeling good. However, once you have experienced a better stage it is hard to go back for long.

Remind yourself when your marriage is difficult that this is a stage. Unless we have significant trauma in our background, we are programmed to grow through these stages just as the kids will grow through their predictable developmental stages. We can make that process easier or harder for ourselves by how we understand and work in each stage.

Getting Through the Stages Gracefully.

• Try the next stage for size. If you are stuck fixing your partner, do something for yourself.
• Talk about your relationship on an ongoing basis including what makes you happy about it.
• Share small moments and use them to remind each other why you believe you belong together.
• Talk about your commitment to make the marriage work and what you do to act on that commitment every day.
• Aim for three to five nurturing gestures a day like calling, emailing, picking up dry-cleaning or thank him for filling the gas tank or paying the bills.
• Hug, kiss and hold hands…a lot. Look into each other’s eyes. Let your partner catch you looking at them. The busier you are the more important it is to make contact.
• Take a walk together daily, with the kids in a carrier at first, create family ritualsthat support communication.
• Don’t pretend everything is perfect. You have small children. Things probably are not perfect. Tell each other every day what makes you grateful that day.
• Be there when it matters: to celebrate successes, encourage risk-taking and when times are tough. One husband charted his wife’s moods during a difficult job search to give her perspective. Another reminded his wife that even though their daughter needed five surgeries, she would always be loved and not all kids have that.
• Share your deepest thoughts. Write them down if you aren’t awake at the same moment, but share them.
• Embrace your differences. Enjoy how they contribute to the relationship. Does your calmness balance his anxiety?
• Don’t bury your relationship under the demands of the children. Put your time and heart into taking care of your marriage, and your family’s happiness will follow. When it gets buried anyway, notice that, laugh about it and talk about how you miss each other.