Expecting your partner to know what you are feeling.
Tell them how you feel.

Expecting your partner to know what you like and dislike.
Tell them what you want/expect calmly before the situation occurs.

Expecting help without asking for it.
Ask for help as politely as if you were asking a stranger.

Criticizing or ridiculing a spouse for their taste, preferences or behavior.
Act the way you would like your children to treat a visiting aunt.

Withdrawing into silence when conflict comes up.
Warn your partner you need quiet time to reflect on this and that you will come back to talk about it at a specific time.

Keeping track of mistakes.
Remind your partner of something they do well when they goof. Better yet, remind them of your last blooper.

Blaming the partner.
Look at your contribution first. Then try to understand their behavior and why it may have occurred. Assume good intentions on their part. They may now regret or be embarrassed about what they did

Yelling to make someone listen.
Be curious why they didn’t hear you the first time. “This is the third time you asked me to tell you when we are going to the Jones’. Are you unhappy about going?” “This is the second time I asked you to fix the sink and you agreed. Is there a problem getting in the way?”

Keeping score of who does what.
Strive to always do 60% of the load and ask for help when you need it before you get hostile.

Saying I told you so.
Don’t. (If you can’t help yourself, ask if they are surprised that you were right.)

Never saying what you want for presents.
Act delighted with what you get or get over it and make a wish list for your partner to choose from.

Never saying what you want to do for fun.
Have fun no matter what your partner chooses or make a suggestion. Some couples have the reluctant spouse plan a quarterly couple getaway to get them used to making the plan.

Always coming up with the ideas about what to do and resenting it or getting sabotaged.
When your spouse asks what you want to do, switch roles and say, “I want to do what my wonderful honey wants to do.” Or “I’d like to focus on what you want to do today.” Then do it!

Never being happy with what you have.
Say five things you like about your life before voicing a complaint. I say five to my clients because it is a challenge and distracts them and they may never get back to the complaint. In real life, 2 or 3 will do.

Making suggestions about how others might improve.
Notice five positive or appealing things they have improved lately before you make a suggestion.

Criticizing everything around you.
Say five things you are grateful for before you criticize.

Always noting the negative.
Teach yourself to state the positive in every negative. (e.g. Your husband never helps so you always get to do things your way.)

Refusing to compromise.
Get over yourself or you are going to be lonely. Seriously, think of three other things that you have compromised about recently before you refuse. Ask yourself why it is important that you win on everything.

Blowing up loudly when frustrated.
Learn to count to ten. Really. Tell your partner you would like to stop blowing up. Get help learning what makes you blow up and what you could do instead. Plan a ritual cooling off signal with your partner or yourself. (This would probably not be your middle finger.)

Always being the victim and feeling abused.
Get help learning to set boundaries kindly and calmly.

Expecting to be taken care of without having to contribute.
Get professional help.

Swearing all the time at a partner.
Stop or get professional help.

Drinking too much.
Go to AA and get professional help.

Threatening violence or caving in because you feel threatened.
Get professional help. If your partner won’t go, go by yourself.

Doing violence.
Get professional help.

This list can go on and on. Do you recognize any of these habits in yourself? Start any marriage improvement program as a self-improvement program. Changing your self changes your partner.