Happily Married with Kids

If having a baby is like tossing a hand grenade in a marriage, as writer Nora Ephron once quipped, then frequent travel adds the land mines. Some parents claim to enjoy the independence of a temporarily absent spouse, eating when the kids are hungry and, briefly, acting as sole decision-maker. But that can get old fast. Often the stay-at-home parent feels the responsibilities of a single parent, while imagining the spouse basking in a quiet hotel room enjoying what is now his or her fantasy life of peace and solitude. Even if your spouse claims to hate travel, it’s hard to be sympathetic as you see the golf clubs getting packed and visualize him or her going out to nice dinners and having adult conversation for several days.
Most couples don’t realize at first that travel can be a challenge for the marriage. Travel usually comes in the context of a raise and a promotion. The excitement of the new situation overshadows potential disadvantages. Other times, travel may have been a significant part of the job before kids that they both enjoyed, especially if one got to tag along to the more exciting venues (sigh). Only as the relationship includes children does the difficulty become apparent. On the other hand, if you learn to manage these separations in good spirits, you can enjoy the times alone, and perhaps enjoy the frequent flyer miles for vacations, and greet each return with the excitement of the reunion that it is, or could be.
Not all reunions, however, are blissful.
Our neighbors, Carol and Roger, had a new baby, a large dog and a noisy, obnoxious parrot that Carol hated but tolerated because she loved Roger. Roger was away on a trip and Carol was looking forward to his return and a night out to eat together. She got hungry, as nursing mothers do, and popped a piece of toast in the toaster. Just then the phone rang and an old friend from work was calling with devastating news about the death of mutual friend. Toast forgotten, she was listening intently to the grim details when she glanced up to see the toaster shooting flames on the cupboard above the counter. The fire alarm pierced the air. The dog began barking hysterically. The baby started hiccupping and sobbing. She dropped the phone and lunged to unplug the toaster. Because her house is surrounded by flammable wooden decks, she raced outside and set the toaster in the street. Then, she came in, leaped on a stool and ripped the batteries out of the smoke alarm, which quieted the dog. She said a hasty good-bye to her friend. Since the baby was still crying and the bird squawking, she decided to nurse the baby in a warm bath because it was the only thing she was sure would calm the baby. By closing both the bedroom and bathroom door she couldn’t hear the still-shrieking parrot. Just as the baby quieted down, Roger walked in the door and inquired why the heck the toaster was in the middle of the street.
To me this story illustrates the perennial problem of the traveling and the stay home spouse. Traveling spouses, even working spouses, rarely comprehend the chaos that can be going on at home. If you aren’t there, you don’t know what is happening and you are likely to show up at the wrong time, too late be of much help. Most often your natural questions will be perceived as annoying, insensitive and critical. Of course, this is true any time one person is home and the other is away, but being several time zones apart and having a new baby complicate the picture.
Mom can grow resentful because she didn’t sign up to be a single parent and yet often it feels as though she is. Traveling spouses often feel lonely and left out of the family, as though they are just there to send a paycheck. They feel even more strongly than most husbands that their opinion doesn’t seem to matter except perhaps in an advisory capacity. As one dad put it. “ I have all the authority of a teenage babysitter!” Both kids and the other parent will say, “Stay out of it because you are never here!” so the traveling spouse often doesn’t like a real parent.
Frequently both kids and mom, if she is the full-time parent, are cool and distant upon Dad’s return. Not because he has done anything wrong, but they react unconsciously as if they can’t count on him because he will be gone again soon.
If you are prone to jealousy, worries about flings loom large while your spouse travels. Meanwhile, stay behind parents feel that all the housework and childcare has been unceremoniously dumped on them. Women often feel they can’t complain because of the money the travel provides, which allows her to be home with the kids, as she wanted to do. Both parents struggle with feelings of resentment. Both feel that they should be receiving more gratitude from the other mate.
Good discussions about the relationship, the workload or anything of real substance seem impossible because neither parent wants to discuss anything heavy or even minor trouble -- like that burning toaster -- in the little time they have together. But you need to stay connected and avoid these resentments. Whether you choose to check in by phone or connect some other way, making sure you both feel connected is important to the long-term health of the marriage.
Planned telephone time: A common, unpleasant experience in families with a frequently traveling spouse is the phone call home at precisely the wrong time. Junior is in the bath, or it’s story time, or you are trying to mediate a dispute. Although telephone interruptions seem trivial and annoying, solving this problem is the first step to creating a feeling of connection.
Schedule regular couple telephone times to call each day, like in the morning before the kids are up or evenings after they are asleep. Use that time to share about your day and to iron out any difficulties or plans that need to be made. Scheduling calls for a specific time creates a routine that is comfortable for stay behind parents so they are less likely to be cool and distant. Often one or both members of the couple want to save money by not checking in, but do not realize the potential problems over the long haul. I remind them that time on the phone is much cheaper than counseling or a divorce and encourage them to choose some methods of supporting their relationship that feel right for them.
At the end of your call confirm the next one. Depending on the number time zones crossed, and unavailability of a phone in flight, you may have trouble keeping your regular time. These calls also allow the absent parent to participate more in decisions regarding the kids.
Call at another time to speak with the kids or use one of the other methods to keep your connection with them. Their time is important and is hard to share with the adult issues. Kids ability to relate on the phone develops as they grow. Don’t expect much in the beginning.
Traveling/Absent Parent Tips
Relationship Support Rituals for Parents: These fun reminders help keep you focused on each other, rather than letting resentments build.